Dear Abby With a Belly Button Ring | Do Try This at Home: Dear Abby With a Belly Button Ring

Friday, March 27, 2009

Dear Abby With a Belly Button Ring

My boy got a birthday party invitation, and if he wants to go to the party I have to sign the invitation agreeing that I don't mind if he dies. Right there on the invitation, ON the card it says, "This release and waiver covers risks of death, serious injury and property loss..."

What do you do with a birthday party invitation like that? Call the mom and say, "Y'know, I'm okay with property loss, but if I'm going to let my kid go to this thing, you're going to have to promise to keep the death to an absolute minimum, okay?"?

The party is at one of those places with the bouncy air filled slides and stuff. Both my kids have had those things collapse on them before, so I know it's not an abstract danger, but still...a birthday party invitation that includes "death"?!? Couldn't they just have face painting or something?

I just bought this t-shirt for my gal:In other news, at work there is a new rule that we can't sing about frogs. Please just don't even ask, because if I'm going to be fired I would rather it not be because I went on an angry internet tirade about amphibians.

I just thought it would enough for everyone to know that in addition to jobs where workers are given electric shocks as part of their work day, there are places of employment where there is a rule against singing about frogs. I thought singing about frogs was a basic human right. Who'd'a thunk?!?!

Last but not least (or maybe least) The-guy recently called me "Dear Abby with a belly button ring." It's true that I have totally awesome parenting skills.

So then I thought, "Wouldn't it be fun to turn Twipply Skwood into Dear Abby with a belly button ring? And then my friend Jeff could make fun of my advice, because he's hilarious when he makes fun of that Dear Abby without (presumably) a belly button ring.

But then I remembered that for it to work, people would have to ask questions. And some of the people who read don't even have kids. And I'm not actually all that great at handling rejection. So then I would have to make questions up. And really, how many different ways can I find to say, "Your child is manipulating you."?

I am TOTALLY, TOTALLY kidding on that last part! I don’t think kids are manipulative in the least. It’s just that they normally have very different goals than those taller people around them.

18 comments:

Eric said...

Hey - I Just stumbled in this evening for the first time in a while and perused the last several posts. A pleasure as always!

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Thanks Eric! :-)

People in the Sun said...

I make Honey sign a similar release-form every night.

Okay, just on birthdays and anniversaries.

Eric said...

We usually have a sledding party for Ethan's birthday in march... since the sledding hill ends in the trees I always thought hay bales were enough, but now I will check with my insurance company and consider a release form for next year!

Christine said...

Not even "Caribbean Amphibian"? Dang.

And don't sell yourself short--in addition to parenting advice, you also are known for your relationship advice. I'm thinking 'don't date cokeheads"...That is some valuable advice, right there.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Funny People!!!!

Egads Eric, I can't even watch when my kids sled into the hay bales. I'd definitely have the parents sign the death thing...

Christine, you are so right - I'd forgotten about relationship advice!!!!!!!! Now I have TWO pieces of advice to dispense in multiple ways!

Judy Pancoast said...

Your posts are a riot. Glad I found you because of your interest in children's music. Sing about frogs subversively! (there's a sentence I never thought I'd write!)

Kerry McKibbins said...

This is why this is my fav. blog.

Sridhar said...

I want that t-shirt (BAWWWLLL)!

If I really wanted to spite someone I would go die at their child's birthday party the trauma will be the revenge. I know I know I MUST NOT give any sort of advice.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Judy - Subversive frog singing, great idea!!! Actually, a couple of teachers have mentioned wishing to walk past the office singing about frogs, it just needed the name. :-) :-) :-)

Oh thanks Kerry!!!!! You always say the nicest things, and even though I think, "But there are way funnier/better written/etc. blogs out there...why does she even like mine?!?!" it always feels so nice for you to say!!! :-)

Yeah SJ, you might want to stay away from the parenting advice...
:-0 :-0 :-)

Beth said...

love the shirt!

John C said...

I'm now considering placing such matter in a prenuptial agreement and will. If I should die, everybody forfeits everything to rule out everyone.

I'm also having the chocolate in the cupboard dehydrated and sprinkled all over me in my coffin.

ALF said...

Can you not sing the "split-splat went the little green froggie song" specifically? That is a quality tune that all children should know. Then again, the summer camp I directed last year got complaints about the Baby Shark song. Parents are too insane.

Kristine said...

I don't understand the embargo on Frog songs. I mean, I only know a couple of them, but they're good songs.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Beth - Isn't it funny?

John - You might as well throw in not singing about frogs too. If anyone sings about frogs, everybody forfeits everything to rule out everyone!

Oh Alf, I'm not sure I know those! What was so offensive about the baby shark song?

Kristine - I'm pretty sure there's a rule against anything making sense around here...

A Free Man said...

What about toads? Can you sing about toads?

You know that your society is too litigious when you have to sign a waiver on a kid's birthday invite. Jesus.

Arizaphale said...

It's about the plagues isn't it? That's why you can't sing about frogs. Can you sing about locusts? U-HUH I thought not!!!
As far as I remember it was
"Ga-loomp went the little green frog one day....." then there was another one about frogs sitting on logs; I think that is the extent of my musical frog knowledge.
As for death waivers.....we had a kid break her wrist at the BA's ice skating party once.Fortunately a) her mother was there and b) I think the rink had the insurance that time :-D

Maureen said...

Oh my... glad my daughter is beyond the age for birthday party invites. But then again, all her friends are turning 18, so perhaps they DO require waivers before getting together now.

BTW: My word verification is "mouspea". Mouse pee????? Ack.

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