If You Hear Your Phone not Ringing | Do Try This at Home: If You Hear Your Phone not Ringing

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

If You Hear Your Phone not Ringing

I finally signed up for an internet dating service. That would be the dating service which presumably features local men, as opposed my "starter dating site" which exclusively featured men from the actual soil of the country of Turkey.

It's still sort of a niche site I guess you could say, as evidenced by the fact that I already knew or at least had met two out of the first three people who stalked me. Still, I figure pretty soon I should try being the stalker instead of the stalk-ee.

I'm pretty sure my answers to the canned questions read: "emotional train wreck waiting for a dangerous intersection" but what the heck...I can only be who I am.

That's not true of everyone, however. A teacher at my school heard from a friend that people can fake a personality for up to 90 days. After 90 days apparently one's true colors can't help but show. Inventing and maintaining a personality even for 90 days sounds like too much hassle for me though. I figure I'm better off with my neurosis laid right out on the table.

I thought I should have been able to expand on some of the questions where the only option was to check boxes. For instance, I checked off some music types, but there were so many categories missing from that list. And why is there no distinction between liking Delta Blues and Chicago Blues? Ok, so I happen to like both, but do they give me any option of stating that I prefer Delta Blues? No! And yet you're supposed to write an entire essay on your personality. I don't even HAVE a personality!

There's a section on pets, but the only options were cat, dog, fish, etc. Unless someone has severe allergies, does this really need to be a screening question? It happens that I have two cats mostly 'cause they're low maintenance and I can only care for a certain number of living creatures at a time, having already killed off 3/4 of my houseplants.

I just left that question unanswered. Because do I really need to get into whether the untimely deaths of my houseplants were the result of neglect or suicide before a first date?

Food is another category where none of the check boxes seem to apply. Or all of the check boxes apply.
I love food! I just don't particularly care from which continent, country, ethnicity, race, culture or subculture the recipe originated.

There was a question about past relationships. I didn't put down that I am incredibly attracted to intense personalities who require more emotional energy than I actually possess. Instead I filled it out this way:
Is there really an answer to this question that doesn't involve a cliché? My past relationships were fun! At least until they weren't fun anymore...My past relationships are the basis for much of my current neuroses...KIDDING! !!!!!!!! Is there a graceful way out of this one? How about: I was married for 12 years and now I'm not. Does that work?!?!?!
It asks for political orientation. Although I'm pretty sure I recognized the orientations that don't apply to me, I wasn't sure I could pick out which one might be an appropriate label. And since "pinko commie scum" wasn't an option, I went ahead and left that one blank too.

Next was ideal relationship. After muddling through my last post, that seemed easy enough to figure out:
My ideal relationship is with someone who calls a lot, but not often enough to be stalker material.
By my reckoning, that should be about once a day. But, of course, I shouldn't have to actually answer the phone!!!!


Colleen said...

I can't wait to hear about your dating adventures! Just have fun and go into it with the idea that you're going to meet some good and some bad! If you're lucky, when you're about ready to pack it all in, you'll meet the right one - like I did! There is hope for online dating!! Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I gave a couple of those a shot after my divorce. Unfortunately, no one thought I was dateable. I received no responses to any of my emails and was rejected enough for one lifetime - most because of the musician thing, non-clean-cut hair and beard; plenty made it clear they found that "icky." Somehow, I've never had problems in person, but the folks on dating sites found me to be hideous. :)

I'm sure you'll have much better luck. Happy hunting?

Anonymous said...


Congratulations and welcome to Digital Dating. It's loads of nail-in-the-eye FUN! You may not know this song and heck, it may not even be listed as a music genre choice but.."Birds do it, bees do it, even dogs with fleas do it, let's do it, let's ...[replace "Fall in love" with "Text message but never actually meet.."]

I gather we're not in the same dating service as mine doesn't ask for music choices. Guessing, uh, "JDate"? is that a dating service for Jewish folks?

Well, the 90-day fakeout sounds about right, what with people saying the "honeymoon" of a relationship lasts about 3 months.

Of COURSE you have a personality! You're Mary Effin' Poppins, remember??!! ;-) You have the effin' BAG to prove it. You might just include the contents of your purse. That gives plenty of insight into your personality.

Political orientation? Well, mine asks for that. What I do notice is that most every puts "liberal." I dunno if it's where I live or what. A guy friend said, "Men put liberal because they think it makes them sound more attractive."


"My ideal relationship is with someone who calls a lot, but not often enough to be stalker material. By my reckoning, that should be about once a day."


What happened to "Warrior Poet?" or was it "Poet Warrior"

Didja put something in about having a library card?? I should add that to mine.

Again, congrats on taking the big step and putting yerself out there! It took courage and you uh, screwed it to the sticking point.

Jeff: Too bad about your online dating experience. I gather those days are happily behind you according to your flickr profile! I had to check you out since you said that you were found "icky" jeez! and "plenty made it clear?" HARSH.

Anonymous said...

I went on one of those internet dating sites before but only got one response. Some woman from Serbia who said she was really into the numerology stuff. Kept asking about my numbers. My birth date, SS#, bank account. Strange when she found out the number in my account was $14.95 she stopped replying to my emails. Thank God my parents let me slide on the $15.00/month rent that time. But I digress.

Any how, if you ever lonely and need someone to stalk you let me know. I will be happy to oblige. I must warn you though; I am only an internet stalker, to lazy for the real thing. Best of luck to you:-).

@ Ms. q
I think you are right about that guys putting down liberal thing. For some reason when I put down "Ultra conservative who believes the NRA has been taken over by liberal nuts" it did not go over well with the ladies. Go figure. Next time I may get someone to look over my application form before I submit it.

(warning friends should not let friends blog before their first cup of coffe. The above are the results).

Lynn said...

Good luck with this venture. My sil has been on an online dating service for about 2 years now. I do have to say though, that she does not like much things and immediately thinks people are after her. So I think she is more the problem.
I hope your phone rings multiple times!

Janet said...

Good luck! If nothing else, this will generate plenty of blog material, right?? :-) Janet

Anonymous said...

ms. g: Sadly, I'm single yet again. It was recent hence the lack of Flickr profile changes (I have so damn many websites to maintain - such a nerd). Yeah, it was harsh, but I think there is just a perception about online dating for many of the folk that are there doing it. It seems to squeeze everyone right into the middle. No one is too ANYTHING. I prefer to avoid the online dating service resume anyway. I mean, how many different ways can you dress up "geek" and "musician" so it sounds like "stable, happy and healthy?" :)

QueenTracy said...

"emotional train wreck waiting for a dangerous intersection" but what the heck...I can only be who I am.
ROTFLMBO!!! Too funny! I have seriously felt like that before. Great post!


Anonymous said...

Jill must be too busy ... not answering the phone! Makes me think of the SNL/Mike Myers skit where he says "Just tawk amungst yourselves..I felt a little verklempt.."


frogger: "Ultra conservative who believes the NRA has been taken over by liberal nuts"

Hahahah! The thing is that "liberal" is associated with "saving the tree frogs"

and "Conservative" is associated with "judgmental button-down with starched underwear"

And the thinking is that women would be, "awww...tree frogs" and "ewww...starched underwear"

Or something.

However, one quote I heard was, "People become Conservative when they have something to conserve."

Anecdotal evidence seems to show that people with 401(k), property, savings, etc. lean to the right.

Jeff: I did notice the geek+musician combo-pack. I would think that the 2 attributes would balance, that is, the Geek/Nerd would pay the bills for the (usually) starving musician??

Sorry you're single again, if that's what you don't want to be (you did write "sadly").

You're probably like me, you gotta see us in 6-dimensions (the first 3 being ole height-width-depth) to see how wonderful we are ;-)

4th: moving through space (animation)
5th: reacting through space (emotional)
6th: being through space (spiritual)

I don't do that well online myself (but the dates I did have were nice, met great guys if not a match).

I'm 42 and am looking to meet someone around my age (like within 5 years either way). My mom says I should go younger. Huh. Anyway, the few emails I get are from men eligible for AARP or even Social Security. Huh, part deux.

You're right about squeezing people into the middle - or perhaps the lowest common denominator! I look at my online profile as just another dating avenue as in..ya never know.

toners said...

Good luck!! Like Colleen said, just have fun :) And we will all be here waiting to hear how it goes!!

Jill said...

Thanks Colleen! Actually, I might be going about this all backwards – ready to pack it all in before even starting…

Jeff – I’m pretty sure the geek musician is supposed to be a *draw*!!!! At least, I did a survey of maybe 100 scrapbookers (peas) back in February and it was only like 25% that said they WEREN’T attracted to a man with a guitar. (to which my friend Jeb said, “I must have the wrong guitar” – hey maybe it’s one of those pre-beat up weathered/worn ones you posted about!). Laurie and I sometimes discuss our bafflement a few times over why you stick an average looking guy on stage with an instrument and all of the sudden he looks that much more attractive. We never decide why that is, but we always agree it’s true.

“how many different ways can you dress up "geek" and "musician" so it sounds like ‘stable, happy and healthy?’” I think if you ever try internet dating again, you should put that in your profile verbatim! :-) :-) :-) Oh wait…then you’d probably only attract people who describe themselves as emotional train wrecks…

The beard well…a certain person who shall remain nameless (unless he or she fesses up) claims that a beard is gentler to the skin & doesn't lead to "beard burn" (sort of a misnomer then, isn't it?). I can’t claim experience with kissing bearded guys, so I don’t know. Your beard is barely even there though, so I don’t see why *that* would bother anybody! And even if it did, seems kind of a rude thing to “make clear”. :-( I’d have had to pass up your profile just because you do seem so well grounded and sane…KIDDING!!!!! Or at least partially kidding…or I at least wish I were kidding…or maybe I should just go delete my dating profile *NOW* before I begin actively seeking out the unbalanced…

Ms.Q – Of course I know the song! I’m 139 years old, remember?!?!?!?!?!? JDate – yep, that’s the one. I figured, y’know, that way I don’t have to worry about the whole thing again where I’ve got to wonder if the guy would rather take off my clothes or save my soul. Although I think that one guy we spoke about would have preferred both…hopefully not at the same time.

The warrior poet thing – Well, I used that one thing about the phone calls under ideal relationship because of something my brother said.

He said that I have to be the most easy going person to date and there’s only ONE thing that I ever get upset about on a regular basis & that’s a guy not calling.

It’s true really: Creepy? Hunky dory. Pervert? Okeedoke. Manslaughter? Also fine. But no phone calls…well that’s where I absolutely draw the line! KIDDING! Ok, not even partially kidding. Which is sort of absurd when you factor in how much I dislike the phone.

The other thing is that I figured out when I really get into specifics, I end up writing about someone who’s a lot like ME! My friend Jenn said that would be really boring, but I’m more afraid I’d end up in jail or dead (that whole climbing on the roofs of banks thing!)

Besides, I figure I have a couple friends would probably be deliriously happy if I just found someone who would go with me to see folksy/bluesy/Americana type music (or even, y’know, Jeff’s band) that I like & quit trying to drag them with me.

This was my answer for the ideal *person* (which was a totally separate question from the ideal relationship): “Someone who likes songs about chickens. Or songs about whiskey. Or at least enjoys a harmless yet demented sense of humor. Or doesn’t mind eating outside now and again even when the weather isn’t perfect.” One guy really did write me with an offer of a good song about chickens. I’m going to go read it in a minute. I wonder if I know the song?

Frogger – with two jobs, two kids, two cats, and a few houseplants in various states of decay, I’m probably a much better pen pal than date anyway! :-0 Or maybe I'm just a modern day Noah's Ark...

Lynn – After her? Is that in a positive or a negative sense? :-0

Thanks Toners, Tracy & Janet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Why don't you hook up with Griff? !!!!!!

Jill said...

TS - Can't. Griff's against drinking, remember? :-) :-) :-)

Anonymous said...

@ ms Q

Frogger Vs conservative you may have something. There does seem to be a discrepancy. You know some times I think I am bi-polar, but then half of me says that is impossible.

@ Jill

“I’m probably a much better pen pal than date anyway!” Oh yah well you’ll feel sorry after you get my personal suicide note….. Actually it is kind of a form letter now, hopefully I will get your name right. Just joking, and getting you ready for the current dating paradigm. In any case I think I have my stalking sites set on ms. q.

Beware of the internet stalker BWAAAAAHHHAAA…..cough, cough, inhaler, inhaler. No MOM I am OK. No I do not need any help. Did I just type th…..


(warning friends should not let friends blog after drinking to much coffee. The above are the results).

Anonymous said...

@Jill: Hey, when you and Laurie figure it out, you let me know. :)

Carey said...

Good Luck!

Disa said...

ooh how fun. the blogging mileage you will get out of this!!!

Maddie said...

I love your responses!

Yes, David Sedaris is available on CD. I went to the library and "checked out" (copied) David Sedaris and Sarah Vowell for my drive from California to Utah. I had only read SV before...helped me through my drive.

Jill said...

frogger - I dunno...between me & Ms.Q I think I tolerate a lot more freakiness...I mean, not to dissuade you or anything. Do you have time to stalk us both? :-0 :-0 :-0 Kidding!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff - Will do! :-) :-) :-)

Bastet - Thanks!

Disa - One can only hope I guess. NOT!!!!!!!!

Pants - David Sedaris is supposed to be here in October! I should look into seeing him.

Jill said...

Oh yeah Pants & thanks!

Maddie said...

Ooh! He's great live, you should definitely try and make it!

Anonymous said...

David Sedaris? Funneee! I try to read his online column (when I remember) in the New Yorker. I think I heard him once and was surprised - he has a bit of a high voice?

Since you have been HINTING WITH A BRICK, I will 'fess up that I am the one who knows that men with beards don't give you beard burn. Yes, whiskers get softer the more they grow out.

The thing is, "Beard Burn" generally only happens in the "early stages" of dating when the woman is not quite sure how may bases will be...covered.

Because of this, significant time and attention is spent on first, sometimes hours. Even a freshly-shaved man will grow whiskers in a couple-three hours. Those new whiskers are scratchy.

Anyway, what a woman gets after hours of this is beard burn - areas where the scratchy whiskers have rubbed a bit raw.

If the relationship progresses, bases loaded, home runs, etc, less time is spent on first. Time drops from HOURS to well, a lot less than an hour. Little, if any, beard burn occurs in this case.

So..now you know. HAPPY??!!

CircesMagic said...

I picked up my Husband at Love@aol 9 years ago...Best thing that I ever did...Good Luck and here is hoping for Mr. Right and not his brothers Mr. Dopey, Dumpy or Stupid ;0)

Jill said...

Ms.Q - Yes very, thanks! :-) :-) :-)

Circesmagic - Thanks!

Pants - I can't go - it's on a Thursday! :-( :-( :-(


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