Super Cool Dating Lessons | Do Try This at Home: Super Cool Dating Lessons

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Super Cool Dating Lessons

The dating world can be a tough travel destination and has been for me for the past...well, we'll call it month and a half. But what the heck, I've learned a whole new method of communication 2 skru up: txt msg!

If you're in the market for a new method of being rejected, I highly recommend texting. It's every bit as instant as a phone call, but you don't get interrupted as long as you don't have a lot to say.

Along with texting, I also learned some great new phrases. Whether or not any of them actually apply to my most recent go round is up for debate, but here they are regardless:

Each time I describe some heartache or another, my brother claims to hold up an imaginary sign reading, "Dump him!" Recently he discovered new lettering:
"DTMFA" or Dump the Mother F* Already
I'm not a big fan of acronyms, but this one in particular, to quote Mary Poppins, "helps the medicine go down".

Here are two from my good friend Ms.Q. She's not sure if she wrote this first one or assimilated it. Let's just call it hers:
Some people have dealt with their shit and some people smell of it.
Other people blog about potty training, but that's beside the point.

I don't think of people as trash and neither does Ms.Q. I like to think of people as having inherent worth despite their circumstances, occupations or much else for that matter. I've enjoyed the friendship of two people convicted of manslaughter, and both of them have been every bit as kind and compassionate as the average teacher or soccer mom, for whatever that's worth. Still, this saying Ms.Q. learned from a friend made me smile:
Kick him to the curb...just kick him to the curb! Move on. You've got better things to do than think about the trash on the side of the road.
I saw this saying on a dating blog. I'm not sure about the second half of each sentence. But I could perhaps buy the first half of each, in as much as I ever believe sweeping generalizations about humans:
Men look for sex and find love.
Women look for love and find sex.
This is not a saying I learned, but it seemed funny at the time. In general I'm against rigid gender roles, but for reasons which could be a post all it's own, I truly believe the male should do all the calling. I think I may have been engaged before I initiated a phone call to my ex-husband. I found myself defending my position without explaining it:
"It's NOT a 'policy'"
"It is. It's your policy not to call men."
"No it's not! It's not a policy!"
"It is. It's a policy."
"It's not a policy! It's a
defense mechanism!"
Let's call spade a spade for cryin' out loud! Then again, spade calling didn't actually work out so well for me this time.

This was a saying Jeff learned from a friend that seems to sum up quite a bit:
It isn't about finding a sane partner. It's about finding one whose crazy matches your own.
Which, y'know is great for me because I tend not to pay too much attention to the fine line that distinguishes "normal" from "boring".

Now, is there one of those cute blog awards for quoting Mary Poppins and using Mother F* in the same paragraph? Oh probably have to be willing to spell it out to win that award.


delmer said...

I think, and believe me I'm no expert, that the female should do some of the calling (maybe not initially, but at some point) so the guy doesn't think he's a bother and that she's just too polite to tell him to get lost.

Maybe that's a midwestern thing.

(It's far more complicated than it has to be.)

Unknown said...

Thanks for your wishes ...

I do have this to say more often than not we find what we don't expressly set out to look for - not just with relationships and love.

Anonymous said...

Dting by txt is cnfusng. Hv a gr8t wknd!


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you clarified that I don't think of people as trash!

You also showed people that I have a "potty mouth" (to keep within the context of this blog hahahaha!)

Dating can be very rough on the psyche. I have my own version of Jeff's thoughts on finding a partner: You're looking for the neurotic lock that matches your neurotic key. Or something like that!

The thing is, the more you work on your issues the fewer people you find attractive and the fewer the people who are drawn to you.

So if you're in a bar and looking for looooovve, you're not 2 people, you're a mix of issues hoping for a fit! Freaky! And heartbreaking for both.

I give this post the Mary Effin' Poppins Award!!

Jill said...

Delmer - Yeah, I'm sure there's a pre-engagement point when the female could initiate a phone call or two...well, I think there is and I even have a vague idea of *when* it is, but it's an entire post in and of itself, so I'll leave it at that for now! :-) :-) :-)

SJ - Welcome! And I think you're right. :-)

Jeff - U 2!

Ms.Q - I like that one too! As for rough on the psyche - it's ***exhausting***!!!!! I'm surprised at how much more present I feel having more or less sort of made some semblance of peace with the way things seem to have turned out on this one. Or something. I think. Maybe. :-) :-) :-)

I'm DEFINITELY going to have to start work on the Mary Effin' Poppins blog award!!!!! Sure I could make something appropriate in photoshop, don't you think?!?!? :-) :-) :-)

Anonymous said...


I agree, men should do the calling. I always do all the calling untill one of two things happen. She agrees to go out with me again, or the restraining order comes.


Jill said...

Frogger - :-) :-) :-) Well, y'know, there are plenty of women out there who are flattered by borderline stalker behavior! :-)

Actually now that I think about it, my first boyfriend followed my school bus home from school. Why is anybody's guess, because how hard could it have been to find me in a town of 2,000 people? :-0

Disa said...

oh dear god, and when you had the bloody flush of hormones into the mix; "needy" and "whiny" are so irritating. more so because its you and not someone else.

Anonymous said...

IMO,the female could at least call (or message) at least ONCE just to show some sort of interest :-)

Lara Neves said...

I think you should win an award for that. :)

Very funny....makes me so thankful I am not in the dating game. :)

Good luck!!! (and for what it's worth it was always my policy never to call guys, too. Until I met DH and he wouldn't ask me out, LOL!)

DJ Kirkby said...

Texting is all the rage here even oldies like us use it as a way of staying in touch all day. Our kids even respond to our texts!

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you could photoshop up something good! I'm not sure where we (women) are getting this "no call" idea from. I thought that was so...uh, 20th Century? Didn't we petition for The Vote? Didn't we want "to be heard"?

I feel a bit nervous but part of me thinks its fun to call up a guy in the early days of dating.

Unknown said...

Love Texting. It's efficient and not messy at all. Some memorable quotes there too.

You know 2 people who committed manslaughter? You do have an exciting life Jill.

toners said...

Another great post, Jill!! I love reading your take on life :)

John C said...

Yet more reasons why I wanna become a holy man if this marriage doesn't work out. lol

Jill said...

Disa - Oh WAIT, am I supposed to be needy & whiny? Or is that the guy who's supposed to be needy & whiny? I always forget... :-) :-) :-)

Jeb (& Delmer for that matter!) I thought picking up the phone WAS showing interest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then again, I'm not a big phone person...

Thanks Laura & Toners!

Ricardo & DJ Kirkby - Yeah, texting did have *some* advantages.

Ricardo - I don't know that knowing people who commit manslaughter is as much an indication of having an interesting life as it is a result of being entranced by people's stories. I knew the first guy a good, long time before he ever told me about the manslaughter and I could NOT have been more surprised. Him & his wife were my neighbors would invite me to have dinner with them, help me with whatever I needed. Just the nicest people.

Ms.Q - I'm not sure I want to get into the whole no calling thing now that I've opened myself up for it! But I may as well now that I have. For one, I'm just not a phone person (Jeb can verify - I've known him in person for 20 years and spoken to him on the phone less than five times, possibly as few as twice). So there's that just for me personally. But in the grander scheme of things here's something I'll probably immediately regret saying in a public forum - Let's say George dates seven women and sleeps with six of them. Martha dates seven men and sleeps with six of them. Let's say that happens in a one month period or a six month period or over a year. Before I get any further on this, I just want to ask to see if my idea holds water - in THIS century, in this country, in this year, in our times, who gets notches on the bedpost and approval from friends and who gets called undesirable names behind his or her back?

I'm not saying that my logic necessarily stands to reason, but ***IF*** you said that Martha gets called the undesirable names and George gets the notches on the bedpost, Martha should at LEAST get to feel pursued and desirable to make up for the discrepancy. And until such time as that whole double standard disappears, I don't see anything wrong with keeping around a double standard that actually benefits the woman. The men should have to call until such time as the woman feels fairly confident that she means more to the guy than just notch on the bedpost material.
All that aside, I just don't like the phone. And I always figure the person on the other end would have already called if he wanted to talk to me (or as my brother says it, "If the dude's not calling, the dude's not calling."). I don't mind initiating emails because they're less insistent and I figure a guy would read that communication at a time when he actually wanted to respond instead of just whenever I happened to feel like dialing. I haven't totally decided how I feel about the texting thing...

I also want to say that I still feel kind of new at all this and that I reserve the right to totally change my mind and start calling guys a mile a minute at any time...who knows... :-) :-) :-)

Jill said...

John C. - Yeah. I don't know the exact job description for a holy man man but... :-0 :-0 :-0

Anonymous said...

I agree with you on the notch-partners double-standard thing.

That is, Martha would get called pejorative names, George complimentary ones.

However, perhaps Martha feels EMPOWERED by doing all the calling and doesn't care about what people think of her, names she is getting called or what all. She's asking for what she wants (notches) and is GETTING it. Maybe even getting it good ;-) ;-)

You are assuming that Martha doesn't feel pursued and desired unless the man calls.

Which doesn't mean I don't understand what you're getting at - that there is a discrepancy between how Martha or George are viewed.

But it also depends on Martha and George. Some men are very shy. Or clueless. So you have to be direct or just make it easy for them, like, HEY, you said you liked chili - I heard X specializes in chili - want to try it out?

I admit that I do like it when a man calls me. It feels nice! To turn it around, maybe when I call a man, it feels nice for HIM to be asked, too!

All I'm saying is that we should ask for what we want and not let others' opinions affect us. If you want the man to call, nothing wrong with that. If I want to call a man, nothing wrong with that, either.

Yeah, I know people who just aren't phone people. One guy I know is really awkward on the phone, hates it. So conversations are really short and just enough to make plans. He does great email though!

Off topic: Some people are one-way type of folks. They don't call and they don't write. They MEAN to, but they just don't. But they are SO HAPPY, genuinely happy to hear from you and are always apologizing for not calling/writing. You just gotta accept that it's not rejection - they are just no good with sending out any communication.

I don't know how to text on my phone and haven't had a text-based relationship as yet.

Noelia said...

"Dting by txt is cnfusng. Hv a gr8t wknd!"

I was thinking the same thing lol
Great post

Anonymous said...

"....And I always figure the person on the other end would have already called if he wanted to talk to me...."

Jill, I think the same way, which is probably why the phone never rings ...:-)...when it does, it's usually someone want help moving or to borrow money!

Jill said...

MsQ. - I knew there had to be a way we were both right! It's just that I didn't realize there WERE women who like calling men! Seriously, I just can't even fathom...but yeah, if Martha LIKES calling guys, she should call whoever the heck she wants whenever she wants to! That's a whole different ballgame.

My goal on the phone is almost always to get off as soon as possible. I think there are really only two ways I'm any good on the phone - dissecting every last nuance of a relationship or lack thereof with a girlfriend or listening to a really intense story teller and saying things like, "And then what?" or "But why?"

Thanks Noelia!

JEB - I hate to state the glaringly obvious here but any situation *you're* in where "the dude's not calling"'re the dude! :-0


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