Jesus Hates Your Kitten | Do Try This at Home: Jesus Hates Your Kitten

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Jesus Hates Your Kitten

If you thought the Vagina Song and seeing pictures of a chicken having a shampoo and blow dry were wondrous and indicative of the offerings of the internet, wait until you hear about this:

Eternal Earthbound Pets - for $110 animal loving atheists will guarantee care for your pets after the rapture.

Yes, YOU might have a friend in Jesus, but He hates your pet. Apparently. At least that seems to be the gist here. You go up to heaven; your pet is screwed.

If you're not particular about your animal's surrogate owner being an atheist, there's always JesusPets, which doesn't guarantee atheism but asks the following:
Imagine being taken to streets of gold while your dog starves to death walking around in his own feces trapped in your small house or apartment, subject to fire and earthquakes or even being eaten by heathens searching for any remaining morsel of food. Do you want that to happen?
Yeah. That would kind'a put a damper on heaven for me too.

Eternal Earthbound Pets has a question and answer section to reassure potential clients, such as:
Q: When the Rapture occurs, how long before my pet is rescued?
Isn't that sort of like asking when we'd have electricity after the hurricane? I mean, who around here has even been through a rapture? I imagine it's going to be a totally new experience for most people.

Eternal Earthbound Pets, however, says they're targeting 18-24 hours from realization of the rapture. Well okay then. What can you even say about a service like this?

For my part, I'm extremely torn by the discovery. On the one hand, I'm endlessly amused by the extent of what's available on the internet. On the other hand, it's so incredibly sad the lengths people will go to to screw each other over.

Unless of course, the atheists are really serious about being compassionate to your pet for a price. Which opens up a whole 'nother set of PR opportunities for other groups.

Like, how about: Jews! In the event of the rapture, we'll care for your houseplants for FREE!


Unknown said...

What if my pet is an extremely venomous King Cobra? Would some group still provide post-rapture service?

Jill said...

SJ - The service raises all TYPES of questions, doesn't it?!?!?! Unfortunately for you, this from the website: "Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals."

Kristine said...

I'm mostly upset that I didn't think of this - think of all the money you could make - no overhead, all profit, it's awesome.

And disturbing - but awesomely disturbing.

Jill said...

Right Kristine? It's like horrible and wonderful all at the same time. And it just raises so MANY questions. Like, surely Jesus has SOME plan for the animals, right? Or maybe house pets just weren't as common back then? But then again if all this were SUPPOSED to happen, then surely Jesus should know about the pets in advance, right? And so on, and so on...and then there's the whole Atheists thing!

Loraine said...

LOL that's hilarious! There's always a way to capitalize on people's insecurity.

Arizaphale said...

Well I figure Jesus knew about the pets in advance and therefore also knew about the Athiests who would look after them in advance. Which is pretty good planning really. I knew there had to be a purpose for Athiests :-D

ALF said...

That all seems a little too weird. Even for me.

Jill said...

Loraine - Yeah, that's why it's almost sadder than it is funny.

Arizaphale - Well that's a relief!

Alf - Well, I imagine it's good to have a sense of your own weirdness limits. :-)


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