Two more things that go together like bread and butter: rape and pancake mix | Do Try This at Home: Two more things that go together like bread and butter: rape and pancake mix

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Two more things that go together like bread and butter: rape and pancake mix

So I heard this ad for Fiber One pancake mix on Prairie Home Companion and I thought, "That's CRAZY! Why would you bother adding fiber to pancakes?"

Because when I make pancakes, I make them all delicate and fluffy with real butter like my mom taught me. And why the heck would you want to add fiber to a food that is going to give you a heart attack anyway?

But then I thought, "I guess it's like a Sea Breeze or a Cape Cod. Because with those drinks you can improve your urinary tract while destroying your liver."

And so with the Fiber One pancakes, you can probably destroy your heart WHILE you improve the health of your colon!

When I searched for it I found it at Amazon, which also listed it under the "buy used and new" section! Who buys used pancake mix? Especially not when we all know good and well that we're supposed to be afraid of even UNUSED pancake mix.

But then I looked on the nutrition label and I'm not even sure it WOULD destroy your heart. And how good could it really even taste if you don't add milk or eggs? And so that's why I don't buy box mixes EVEN if they could possibly be good for my colon.

On a totally and completely related note, our family had this heartwarming conversation at dinner the other night:
Younger Gal - There's rape in the Torah. It's true! Noah raped one of his sons...or was it one of Noah's sons who raped him? I think it was one of his sons who raped him! We studied about it when we were learning about honoring your parents! We're not supposed to rape our parents...

Me - Oh good. I feel so much safer now.
This was a little later in the conversation, and to find it funny, you have to know as much as I do about Hebrew, which is practically nothing. But I DO know that our rabbi is always encouraging the kids to add phlegm to their Hebrew, often in the form of a "ch" sound sort of mixed with with a gargle.
Older Gal - Does it really use the word "rape"?
Younger Gal - Yes. It really does. We're not supposed to rape our parents.
Me - What IS the word rape in Hebrew?
Younger Gal - "rape-ch-ch-ch"
Last but not least, I went to a seminar this week on setting limits with kids and stuff. Although I'm not exactly sure WHY I needed to go, when I have this old standby:
"If you don't change your clothes out from the washer to the dryer this very instant I'm going to burn all your clothes and you'll have to go to school NAKED!!!"
Naturally I ordered the materials on how to get your kids to do chores.

Yeah, anyway, the moral of THIS week's story is, I gather, send your kid to a religious school because they learn all sorts of useful stuff like not raping their parents which OBVIOUSLY helps reinforce the limits that you're setting at home*.

And also, pancakes out of a box will probably kill you at some point EVEN if you don't buy it "used", I'm just not sure how yet. But at least you'll have a clean colon when you die.

And also, Happy Birthday Mom!!!! People still want to know about the blood!

(*Seriously I do LOVE having my kids at a religious school, by the way)


Loraine said...

There's actually a LOT of rape in the Torah, especially in Leviticus and Deuteronomy, wherein it is noted that if a woman is raped she is required to marry her rapist. There's a lot more than that- there's even a YouTube video somewhere that goes over it in detail, called "Rape in the Bible" and I think most if not all of it is in the Old Testament a.k.a the Torah.
I get a lot of crap for pointing out stuff like this...

Jill said...

Loraine - I'm sure they'll be teaching my gal all that next up! In the mean time, I'm just happy that they're steering them AWAY from raping their parents. 'Cause we can all use one less thing to worry about... :-) :-) :-)

ALF said...

Yes, we do still want to know about the blood.

And good news on the no raping your parents thing. That's important.

People in the Sun said...

I think he got drunk and they saw him naked. Something like that. Because unlike Christianity with its model of perfection, in Judaism everyone in the Bible ends up doing something stupid. So here's Noah: the poor man had to deal with so much crap, and then when it was over he celebrated by getting a little drunk and going a little wild. Seriously, God is such a Puritan!

Unknown said...

I have lived by that rule all my life. I have raped 1000s of women and men but never my parents.

Jill said...

Alf - I'll bet it's an especially comforting thought for a pregnant person!

People - That actually sounds sort of familiar. Although it wasn't in the Noah's Ark version that I read to the preschoolers...I'll have to go back & look...

SJ - You're such a good Jew! I mean what with the not raping your parents and all. (kidding as always...)

Janet said...

Completely, totally enlightened after reading your post. And a little bit nervous that I never covered this with our gal...

And yes -- I want to know the real story with the blood!

Jill said...

Janet - Yeah, you might want to make sure she's up on that! :-)

DJ Kirkby said...

Completly surreal as usual!!! You're mad woman! I have a fabulous book to give away on my Chez Aspie blog from Sunday so please stop by and join in the fun if you get a chance before Tuesday eve. x

Jill said...

Thanks DJ Kirkby! I think. :-)

Arizaphale said...

OK. My Gal just said, on hearing the Bible's edict..."well, I guess they have to cover everything." hahahahahahahahahahah
I couldn't have said it better myself.
And my dad used to put wheatgerm in his home made (non box) pancakes which turned them into the thickest, gluggiest, most disgusting breakfast dish imaginable which we all ate because we love him and he doesn't usually cook. And my husband, who is a GOOD cook, actually managed to stuff up pancakes that come out of a bottle. You know the shake and bake ones? I have never seen such a road accident of pancakes.

Jill said...

Arizaphale - I guess they do! Who'd'a thunk?!?! Yeah, I've seen those shake pancake things (and don't know exactly how one would mess it up!). I guess they make a little more sense than the box mix stuff?

Bruce Johnson said...

It is nice to see that the Jewish persuasian has as many 'issues' as the rest of us......I feel so much closer now.


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