'Cause That Fake Jesus Church is for SUCKERS I Tell 'Ya! | Do Try This at Home: 'Cause That Fake Jesus Church is for SUCKERS I Tell 'Ya!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

'Cause That Fake Jesus Church is for SUCKERS I Tell 'Ya!

I'm KIDDING! There is no fake Jesus church. At least, I think I'm kidding.

Because it stands to reason that the True Jesus church must be distinguishing itself from something, after all. So it seems like there should be a Fake Jesus church around here somewhere. Maybe.

Meanwhile, the school has put me in charge of my boy's thoughts. Scary, huh? Seriously, I'm only interested in being in charge of my boy's food and the way he spends his time. I had no idea parenting included thought control.

But three times a week I have to sign a paper that says my boy practiced his multiplication tables in his head for fifteen minutes a session. So on our drive to school, while it's still dark out, I say "Okay! Start thinking about math!"

And then I time him while he thinks about math. And THEN I sign a paper that says he thought about math. And then his teacher signs it.

How the heck does SHE know what he's thinking!?!?!?! At least I'm in the car with him. I'm pretty sure the school's not going to be giving me any awards for hoping he secretly thinks about ping pong or curing cancer or platypuses or something every now and again.

I've been semi-absent from Blogerville lately, in part because KPFT radio station had its pledge drive. So that meant I got to spend my free time (which, I believe, averages out to 46 seconds a day, occurring mostly before 6:00 am) taking pledges.

I missed out on some blogging time, but I got to talk to a little old lady who told me that the reason she was so hard to understand was because she was on too much whiskey. Glad she cleared that up.

And I got to take a pledge from Hayes Carll and tell him my entire family is in love with him. Except I forgot to tell him my entire family is in love with him, but at least I remembered to take his pledge.

And we saw Hayes Carll in concert. And we saw Guy Forsyth in concert (Guy Forsyth in a cheesy venue is still awesome, in case you were wondering).

And then the rest of my free time I've been forced to spend rollerblading because it's been gorgeous out. And them are the rules. At least, I'm pretty sure that's why dad always went through the house saying, "What you doing inside?!?!? It's gorgeous out!!!! At least open window for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Anyway, that's what I've been up to, controlling my boy's thoughts. Taking pictures of church signs...the usual.


Loz said...

I love ridiculous signs. This may take a bit of explaining but around 30 years ago a church in suburban Melbourne had a sign out the front that said - "What would you do if Jesus came to Hawthorn." And some wag wrote "Move Peter Hudson to Centre Half Forward. Now for those not versed in the niceties of Australian Rules Football, Peter Hudson played the position of full forward and was the leading goalkicker every season he played.

Told you it would take some explaining. Guess you had to be there :)

People in the Sun said...

What does it say under the name of the church? What are they hiding?

You sure your task wasn't to go over the multiplication table with him rather than just make him think about it?

I followed your link because I had no idea who this guy was. If I say "Country," does it offend you, because it's actually "Americana"? I don't know much about this stuff.

There are gorgeous-out rules, but only if you live in a place that hardly has nice days. We have a hot summer and a cold winter, and a gorgeous day and a half, so these rules do apply.

A Free Man said...

We had the gorgeous out rule as well. And I'm going to inflict it on my boy as well. And since we live in a place where it's gorgeous about 300 days a year, the boy's going to be spending a lot of time outside!

Unknown said...

We don't need no thought control.
Or maybe we do? Mom do we need thought control?

Psst the fake Jesus churches are synagogues no?

Anonymous said...

I had no idea that thought control was in the contract. I'm going to have to find and re-read mine - I'm not sure I was granted that kind of power.

delmer said...

It's about 15 F here now ... but tomorrow it will be 51. I don't know if it'll be gorgeous, sunshine-wise, but I'll be out.

Jill said...

Loz - I dunno about having to be there, but it's possible that one would have to know the difference between center half forward or full forward... Probably if I knew that it might be hilarious though... :-) :-) :-)

People - I thought about the going over it with him thing. I even quizzed him on them AFTER the fifteen minutes the first couple times I ordered him to think. But when it comes right down to it, he's much faster than me at multiplication anyway...

Yeah, I think the lines between Americana and Country can get a little blurry. But seriously, seriously give an all the way through listen to "She Left Me For Jesus." I'm thinking at least one of the differences between country & americana is that country wouldn't tolerate Hayes Carll, regardless of whether Hayes Carll would tolerate country.

And on the outside on gorgeous days - I didn't know there was a limit to the number of days! I thought it was the rules no matter what!!!!! And I have a fairly broad view of what constitutes gorgeous, so it's lucky I have a job where I'm outside at least for a half hour a day.

A Free Man - good idea! :-)

SJ - WAY too funny on the thought control!!!!! Even my gal was laughing over that one. :-) I'm not sure on the synagogue thing.... :-)

Funny Kristine!!!! I wonder where I put that contract...

Delmer - when it's been 15, I'm pretty sure 50 counts as gorgeous, sunny or not. :-)

ALF said...

Glad to see you're still finding amusing signs!

Kerry McKibbins said...

I just love your blog.
Love the thought police thing.
Love the whiskey lady.
Love the church thing.
You make me smile.

Bruce Johnson said...

So I have to assume that in Geroge Orwell's next novel, instead of 'Big Brother', you will be the central charactor known as 'Big Mother'.......thought controlling her flock?

....and by the way...I am the "One True Blogger"...in case anyone asks.

Lara Neves said...

That is the weirdest homework ever.

Anonymous said...

Teacher HAD to mean for him to say them out loud...I bet he was thinking about Pokemon or something, lol!

Jill said...

Thanks Sandra!

Alf - I can't help it! They're everywhere!

Thanks Kerry! That's so sweet!!!

Bruce - I dunno, I try and watch my fat and calories...just y'know...I'd like to remain medium sized mother if I can help it. :-) :-) :-) I'm kidding, very funny!

Lara - and a pain in the neck! I mean, the kid is already better at multiplication than I ever was anyway.

John - That would operate on the assumption that I would be involved and correct him and stuff, right? Except, as I just told Lara, he's better at math than I am anyway. :-0

Arizaphale said...

Oh I am loving me this blog :-)
That Free Man has sent me over to ask questions so I'm doing a bit of research :-)
He obviously put us together for a reason! I am cacking myself over you timing your boy's 'maths' thoughts hahahahahaha. I'm pretty sure that if I timed the thoughts my pupils had about maths during my lessons the results would be pretty *&^%ing woeful :-D
Oh and 'Fake Jesus Church'...could be the Anglicans over here in Aus at present :-)
Stand by for questions

Janet said...

I'm starting to think that Houston must have more than its share of ridiculous signs!

Jill said...

Arizaphale - You know, from reading the description I thought that we were sort of randomly assigned, but the longer I look at your blog, the more I think you must be right about the pairing! :-) I love your description of the "Why we're here". I wish I had known that one when my kids were littler!!!!

Janet - Houston has WAY more than it's share of ridiculous EVERYTHING. Being fourth or fifth largest city in the US will do that I think. :-)

Maureen said...

Har! Fake Jesus Church indeed...


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