Death by Teenager | Do Try This at Home: Death by Teenager

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Death by Teenager

Every time anyone reminds me that I WANTED kids, I tell them the God's honest truth: I never wanted kids. I just wanted babies.

And I was very perceptive that way, because I'm pretty sure having a teenager will kill a body. Or maybe only parenting a teenage GIRL does that. But teenage boys are said to have more car wrecks. So that probably causes parental death too.

Except in the case of a boy, your heart probably just stops in its tracks when you find out the car was upside down on the interstate at three in the morning. So that would be a quicker death than a girl who kills you by heartbreak and extreme moods. Except, somehow my parents seemed to live through it. They must be superhuman.

Or maybe parents are like Spiderman. Except that instead of getting bitten by a spider that allows them to climb walls, the baby's birth renders them impervious to death by empathy, or death by guilt, or death by scowling and rudeness. I'm pretty sure those feelings can kill a person though, because I definitely had a near death experience this week.

Look at this gal, my sweetheart, my angel, my sweet pea. Here she is all happy before she remembered that I ruined her life (as all parents must, I imagine):And here she is again all happy after she's nearly killed the both of us with her grief over me ruining her life:I don't know why the cat lets her do that. He'd have bitten anyone else's face off and hidden for a week. Actually, that one is our scaredy cat. He probably just would have hidden for a week. But he would have WANTED to bite our faces off.

The upside is that in my fog over the power of teenage emotions, I fixed two of our toilets. Well, I changed out the valve in two toilets and the flappy thing in one of them. But I couldn't even figure out how to get the flappy thing off the other one. Because despite this being a '70s house, I'm pretty sure that flappy thing on the upstairs toilet was installed in 1936.

In any case, the moral of the story is this: when I see a cute baby in a restaurant I plan on fixing a toilet in lieu of getting baby lust. Because it's way easier to fix a toilet than to subject yourself to parenting a teenager. At least, those are my plans. We'll see how it all works out.

18 comments:

Arizaphale said...

Oh yeeeeeeees! Yesterday I looked at her sulky face (my teenagers...not yours) and could have slapped it. But I made her go to the gym instead and she felt better after an endorphin rush.

Jillene said...

Nooooooooo!! I REFUSE to have teenagers (even though it will happen in 3 years). I am freaking out about it!! UGH!!

Your teenager is beautiful though. I guess that's thre reason why we keep them instead of selling them to the Circus!!

SJ said...

Har har! C'mon you know parents have to ruin lives if they don't who would!

DJ Kirkby said...

Oh...I am soooo glad I do not have a daughter. I get to listen to the man next door arguing with his almost every day now...it is not a happy sound :( and she was a real sweetie last year (when she was a pre-teen).

Christine said...

Yes, I get the impression that teen girls are more lethal. Here's hoping we BOTH make it through the teen-parenting years.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Arizaphale - Oh I wish I could send mine to the gym! I mean, not I didn't ruin her life or anything, but I've explained to her that she wouldn't feel the devastation quite as poignantly if she were getting any exercise what so ever.

Thanks Jillene! Enjoy these next three years...

SJ - Right! Exactly! However, as I understand it, the rules are that they get to sulk over it for a good many years...

DJ - I'll bet she's STILL that self same sweetie. Sometimes. Like, at 8:23 PM every other month on the new moon...

Christine - Yeah, I think the boys' emotions are just set to "stun" while the girls' are set to "KILL". At least I thought my death was imminent earlier this week. Then again, maybe we former teenage girls just never quite grow out of the powerful emotions thing... :-) A definite second on your hopes for us getting through!!! :-)

Bruce said...

Remember, that which does not kill you, makes you stronger (or at least teaches you how to fix toilets.)

ALF said...

Why are your ruining her life? That seems pretty rude, Jill. GOD. (Eye roll. Door slam).

Anonymous said...

cassie says...

the reason i am so sulky and life-ruining is because you moved me out to middle-nowhere, texas. i was fine for the first 6 months of my teenagerhood...well, maybe a little more sarcastic than usual.

Ricardo said...

I have a friend with 4 daughters and some are in or entering their teens. Be lucky you have one Jill. I see the parents aging before my very eyes.

Arizaphale said...

Ah Cassie....middle nowhere Texas? Kidstuff. I moved my daughter out to middle nowhere AUSTRALIA! 12000 miles away from her friends and family! Be lucky you have YOUR Mum ;-)
Mind you, I moved her when she was 7 so she wouldn't notice....but I'm about to rectify my mistake. Unhappy with the relative ease of our international move I now plan to move her to a girls school next year! In Year 10! When everyone else has already got their friends and she will be a Lily Loser on her own! So you see, be lucky you have a kind, gentle loving mother who ONLY moved you to Texas!
Mwah. We love you kids
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Maureen said...

Ahahahahaha... I am laughing to keep from crying in total and absolute understanding. Yes, I DO have a teenage daughter. I'll pray for us both.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Very funny Bruce & Alf!!!!

Cassie - I know my sweetheart. It's a big change to go from practically being able to spit on the down town of the fourth biggest city in the US to being a family in the burbs.

Oh my gosh Ricardo, I can NOT imagine! And to think I wanted six or eight kids! I have a friend with four girls too and all through this I kept wondering how she was going to make it.

Funny Arizaphale! I have tried the "could be worse" route, but that's so hard to feel even for adults. I never even considered up and moving to Australia. Vermont maybe...

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Please do Maureen - maybe, (just maybe) we'll make it!!!!!

A Free Man said...

Thank goodness I still have a decade or so before we get to the dreaded teenage years. After that, well, I'm shipping the kid to his grandparents.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

I tried that...except I think that traditionally when you ship the kids off to the grandparents, you're not actually supposed to go WITH them...

hilthethrill said...

I've got a teenage daughter, and strange things do happen in the mother daughter relationship, for sure. I thought I would be SUCH a cool, understanding Mom...hahahaaaa.

Motoristin Mutsi said...

It is surely parents mission to "ruin their Children lives" - specially girls with all the stupid rules and embarrass them in every possible situation :-DDD . I have had both, girls and boys, and I can tell -at least mine - boys were more annoying with mumbled byte answers...well, when girls vomes close to their 30's, mom might be their best friend :-)

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