My Jeans Totally Have Syphilis Now. Or Maybe Herpes. | Do Try This at Home: My Jeans Totally Have Syphilis Now. Or Maybe Herpes.

Friday, August 07, 2009

My Jeans Totally Have Syphilis Now. Or Maybe Herpes.

The-Guy-Who-Knows-A-Song-About-A-Chicken and I went to New Orleans and so I am in HEAVEN on Bourbon Street. Because I'm always in heaven in the French Quarter. It's the law. And plus, how can ANYONE not be in heaven in a place where dressing up as a fire hydrant is an acceptable career choice?

Look, here's a New Orleans fire hydrant:And here's me with a guy whose job it is to dress up like a fire hydrant and stand on the street:So I'm all happy because I'm in the French Quarter, breathing the French Quarter air. But my jeans aren't happy. Because I wore flip flops and so the bottoms of my jeans were all dragging in the muck and spilt beer and pee and stuff on the street and getting all brown and disgusting. And now I'm pretty sure they at least have syphilis. Or maybe Herpes.

But that's okay, because I made up a greeting card just for them. To make up for it, because I was having such a wonderful time while they were getting diseased. You know those cards that say, "When I count my blessings, I count you twice."?

Well, my new greeting card would say, "When I count my blessings, I count not having herpes twice." And I really do. Because that would suck. Although that particular greeting might not work for my jeans, because they probably already GOT herpes from being dragged along Bourbon Street.

Here's the interesting thing I found out today: All those drunks on Bourbon Street aren't really alcoholics. They're only drinking in order to forget all their gambling woes.

It's true! I've been seeing these signs EVERYWHERE, all over New Orleans:This one's on the door of a pub, no less.And so you see, obviously gambling is the serious problem in the French Quarter, not drinking.

I'm going to post in a timely manner, so that I can encourage anyone planning a trip to New Orleans to wear more appropriate shoes than I chose, thus helping prevent the spread of herpes among blue jeans.

This computer doesn't seem to have spell check though, and also it's one in the morning. So appologies in advance for any typos, mistakes, or ill advised mentionings of STDs.

Fire hydrant photo

15 comments:

Christine said...

I think if you are sending a card informing your jeans they now have herpes and syphyllis, thanks to you, you probably should re-think. Maybe that one rates a phone call.

Arizaphale said...

I once knew a pair of jeans who were card carrying 'I DO NOT have a STD'-ers. Not sure I believed them.

ALF said...

Your poor jeans! I do believe your idea to count the fact that you don't have herpes twice is quite a good one.

Beth said...

I bet all the gambling joints have big blue signs saying "if you or anyone you know suffers from alcoholism..."

Thalassa said...

i love new orleans! bourbon street i don't so much love, but new orleans is the berries. the first time i went, one of the girls in my party passed out and fell and hit the back of her head on the curb. we were all much more worried about the gutterwater that was all over her than the bump on her noggin. for good reason, as you now know. she ended up not getting syphilis on her shoulders, but it was a serious danger! :) enjoy the city. get to pirate alley cafe if you can.

SJ said...

That's what happens to jeans that walk the street without protection. Wear a condom on top of your jeans in future.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

TOO funny Christine! Yes, a phone call it will have to be!

Arizaphale - As long as you didn't sleep in them!

Alf - Yes, I count that (twice) among my many blessings. :-)

Funny Beth!

Thalassa - Glad your friend was okay! We'll have to try Pirate Alley Cafe next time!

SJ - Well, seeing as I saw a guy walking around today in a red dress with a plastic penis mask covering his nose, I'm thinking giant shoe and leg covering condoms shouldn't be too very hard to find either...I'll keep my eyes peeled.

DJ Kirkby said...

But jeans that are trodden on and worn through at the back are ever so trendy now...minus the herpes of course!

Maureen said...

Aw, poor, poor jeans.

But I do love the photo of you!!! Sounds like a wild place - with all those gamblers and silver people roaming the streets and all...

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

DJ Kirkby - Yeah, but as I understand it, herpes is a virus. So they might be contaminated for life now...well, I'll let you know when I get them out of the wash. :-)

Thanks Maureen! Yes, it's a wild place & romantic and historic and all that good stuff!

A Free Man said...

In my experience there are all sorts of people with all sorts of problems on Bourbon Street, so why the emphasis on gambling I wonder.

Disa said...

time for a series of twipply skwood cards. seriously.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

A Free Man - Yeah! Like how come there aren't any advertisements for support groups for people who dress up like fire hydrants? Or people who walk around with penis nose masks?!?!

Disa - Well, card making is one of my hobbies...

Ricardo said...

He reminds more of a human disco ball than fire hydrant. Can you see a little of that? I do.

Precision Resistors said...

This place looks like a lot of fun!

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