You'd Think That Man Would Have Given Up Putting Me on Speaker Phone By Now | Do Try This at Home: You'd Think That Man Would Have Given Up Putting Me on Speaker Phone By Now

Friday, August 14, 2009

You'd Think That Man Would Have Given Up Putting Me on Speaker Phone By Now

I try not to call The-Guy at work all that much, because for one I have that whole, "men should do the calling" thing and for another I figure, well...he's at work. He's probably busy. You know, working and all.

But then I realized there's a third reason why I shouldn't call, and that's because the conversations tend to follow the same pattern. They start with me asking if he's coming home soon and end with him declaring me unfit to be broadcast to the general office environment.

Yesterday we had a typical conversation:
Me - "I got a pop up Jesus at the teacher supply store! It was only fifty cents!"
The-Guy - "For school, or for home?"
Me - "NO SHUGUEE!!! DON'T EAT JESUS!!!!!!"
The-Guy - "Ok, I'm taking you off speaker phone now."

But then that very same man of mine wanted me to send him a link to the My Vagina is 8 Miles Wide song, so you just never know what's appropriate.

I thought ahead and sent it to his personal address instead of his work email. Except, I'll probably accidentally make up for that lapse in bad judgment later, when I ask him if the link worked while I'm on speakerphone.

Yeah. Anyway, back to pop up Jesus!I love it as much as my cat Sugar does. Although, I must admit that I'm suddenly aware of why depictions of God are prohibited in Judaism.

My other discovery is that maybe I got the (originally) $500 speeding ticket not because I was concentrating so hard on my failing transmission, but perhaps because I was paying too much attention to the signs whipping past my car.

For instance, shouldn't this be a career in "broadcasting", not a career in "broadcast"? I know, it's a little hard to read. But that happens when you take pictures from a moving vehicle:Should a haircut really require a leap of faith?I'm thinking if that's what's needed, I might just get my hair done someplace else. This church advertises itself as a "place to begin again". Which means, I assume, that you screwed up so badly at your old church that you had to worship somewhere else. So then if you begin again at their church but you STILL screw up, do you have to go find a new church?

Yeah. Well, anyway...I'm pretty sure it WAS my transmission that caused my speeding ticket. But if they really wanted to encourage us to pay attention to the speedometer, they'd take down all the billboards and advertisements. I, for one, am going to concentrate on learning the words to the vagina song on my drive to work today, because The Blogess says there's going to be a sing along.

15 comments:

Pyro said...

You're a great and funny writer, J. LOVED this! going to look up the vagina song now....

ALF said...

How do you always have a camera handy when you see these signs?

Maureen said...

Ha! No wonder you got the speeding ticket... you're taking photos while driving! Next time, take a photo of your speedometer.

Arizaphale said...

Very disturbing song...or maybe it's just the film clip that's disturbing???

I want a link to the song about a chicken and ....pop up Jesus...why???? Only you can find these things.

John C said...

Church lol, well lol to Bouncy Jesus and his eater too!

Sooo, you can't attend the church until you screw up at yours first probably. Good idea and risk management so they have less drama with members that know from experience, rather than have to train newbies.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Thanks Pyro!

Alf - I keep it in my purse. :-)

Maureen - It's lucky I didn't, because I think I was actually going about three miles over what he clocked me.

Arizaphale - Songs about chickens are very easy! And usually a lot of fun, which is why I wanted to date a guy who enjoys songs about chickens. Try Hayes Carll's "Chickens" or "There Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens" or "Psycho Chicken" by the Fools, or there's that Rufus Brown one - That's the way you spell chicken friend!

John C - So you think there looking for EXPERIENCED screw ups at that church?

Disa said...

god i love the south. and christianity is the only religion (well, maybe its american pop culture christianity) that feels the need to utilize bill boards. fabulously funny book i just read by a jewish dude about the fundagelical adoption of pop culture..."rapture ready" by daniel radosh, and then also "my jesus year; a rabbi's son wanders the bible belt in search of his won faith" by benyamin cohen.

John C said...

Someone having made a mistake is considered less of a risk doing it again. Translates into the church having to deal with with 'breaking in' new blood.

Once you 'backslide' you're definately going to hell forever...or 'come to your senses' like the 'prodigal son' realizing the 'wisdom of your elders'.

Better retention of members for those going back as well, which is a major interest to churches since members are expected to tithe 10% of their earnings.

"It's just good business."

SJ said...

Jesus seems to be very happy on the bouncy spring. More comfy than a cross I guess.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Disa - I read the first few pages of each on Amazon - both of those look like interesting reading!

John C. - Hmh...well...I guess if they learn from their mistakes, they're all set! :-)

SJ - Yeah. I hear the cross wasn't anywhere near as comfortable as a springy thing.

Kristine said...

I love that pop up jesus - i want one...All I have is a pop up flower to tease my dogs with.

Ricardo said...

Yes it should indeed be a career in broadcasting. You think maybe they were charged by the letter?

I kind of find churches advertising on billboards tacky. Is it just me?

Janet said...

So many things on my to-do list that I've gleaned from your most informative blog ...
1) check my Google searches, although they will not come close to yours
2) learn that new song ;-D
etc. etc.

DJ Kirkby said...

Read your post yesterday, followed the link to the vagina song and have been laughing too hard to be able to post a comment till now.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Kristine - I got mine at a teacher supply store. You might try there. :-)

Ricardo - Must have been by the letter. :-) I don't know about the tackiness. I used to find all of Houston pretty tacky, but I think after almost 20 years here, I've kind of grown a thick skin where tackiness is concerned.

Janet - I'm glad you're getting something of use out of all this. :-) :-) :-)

DJ Kirkby - Good luck getting it unstuck out of your head for the next week!

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