On the second thought, I do have dating advice | Do Try This at Home: On the second thought, I do have dating advice

Saturday, October 27, 2007

On the second thought, I do have dating advice

So, thanks to the online dating world, I’ve been seeing this guy who actually does know a song about a chicken. It happens that he has a 19 year old daughter who claims he’s “Twipply Skwood” (or "triply screwed" as pronounced by a seven year old if you're still wondering). But I’m fairly certain he has to be doing something okay in her eyes, ‘cause she’s willing to spend a pretty fair chunk of time with him.

All I wanted to do when I was 19 was see skip college classes and date cokeheads. Have I mentioned that I’m an EXCELLENT role model?!?!?!?!? After all, I know where all the best body piercing studios are.

I said on one blog post that this is not the place to find actual dating advice, but I was mistaken. I have some really valuable dating advice for every young adult on the planet:

DON'T DATE COKEHEADS!
They lie a lot and then tend to either die or go to jail. Besides, I’ve heard that coke decreases sex drive, so who wants to bother with that?

I say, wait until sex feels like a chore because you’ve been married for umpteen years and you're exhausted because your husband rarely helps with housework or parenting and still expects you to work full time and THEN encourage him to start using coke. I’M KIDDING!!!!!!!!!! I am totally and completely against the use of cocaine. I mean, why bother when beer is legal and all?

Despite being infatuated with cokeheads during my late teens, I’ve never had even the slightest interest in actually using cocaine. I’m not really sure what the draw is, although as popular as it is there must be some advantage or another. Perhaps it’s desirable for people who aren’t as naturally caffeinated as I am.

All that said, I absolutely LOVE music about cocaine. Who wouldn’t? I mean, there’s such a variety:

Townes Van Zandt - Cocaine Blues
Jackson Browne – Cocaine
The Grateful Dead - Aren’t most of theirs drug songs?
Eric Clapton - of course
Johnny Cash - Cocaine Blues (but a different song by the same title than the Townes Van Zandt song)
The Old Crow Medicine Show - Cocaine Habit and Tell it to Me

And those are just songs about cocaine that I can think of right off the top of my head. I’m sure there are plenty of songs with drug references that I don’t get since I don’t do drugs. And there are probably also a number of songs I will think up fifteen seconds after posting this. I actually hope to see more show up in the comment section.

By the way, in addition to being pro-songs-about-cocaine, I am also still in favor of skipping as many college lecture classes as possible if the material is easy enough to learn without going to class. Kidding!!!!! Okay, only partially kidding. Sorry David and Matt and parents the world over. Did I mention that I’m an excellent role model?

One final note: since I truly am getting at least two Google searches a day looking for motorized, ride on beer coolers, I've set up a link on the side bar! Say "Hi" to Martin from me!

17 comments:

Ms. Q said...

Never dated a cokehead. OK, never dated someone who was a cokehead while we were dating. I dated one guy who BECAME a cokehead after we broke up. This was almost 20 years ago when cocaine was popular. I don't hear much about it these days - there seems to be so many other drugs.

Drugs? Never had much appeal for me. I remember going to this party - I was SO out of place! I was this conservatively dressed (and dressed up) Chinese woman surrounded by white folks in jeans and feathered hair. This was early 1980s. There was a pool and an actual KEG of beer. Classic and so stereotypical.

It was nice to be invited and the hostess (a schoolmate) offered me some cocaine to try. I politely said no. It was very surreal. I felt naive! All these woman crammed into a bathroom with the door locked. Jeez. White and middle-classed kids.

I was on the wrong side of the tracks! The only drug song I can think about off the top of my head is "Lucy in the sky with diamonds"

Then there's some lounge type song called, "Black Coffee" - does that count?

Jill said...

Yeah well...the problem with my advice, actually, is that most cokeheads don't introduce themselves as such when they're asking you out on a date...
:-0 :-0 :-0

You mean you didn't normally frequent keg parties at that time? That's probably why you're not a Sunday school teacher...
:-0

Christine said...

So, you are no longer attracted to cokeheads? How did you manage that?

Because, I think, the types of guys that I found attractive as a teenager, are pretty much the same types of guys I find attractive as the MOTHER of teenagers. Only, you know, I like them forty-something, now.

John C said...

What about Dewheads? Are they ok? They usually are identifiable. :)

Never dealt with a cokehead...dealt with a number of dates with baggage...heck, I'm married to baggage.

She being married to me...she's DEFINATELY got baggage and issues. :)

Jill said...

Christine - Did I say I wasn't *attracted* to cokeheads?!?!? I mean, being attracted to them is a whole different story than actually dating them...and then again there's that whole thing where they don't actually introduce themselves as such...

John C. - Ok I had to look that up in the Urban Dictionary via google...I didn't realize there was a NAME for your condition!!! KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, so maybe you only suffer from it musically! :-0 :-0 :-0 On the married to baggage: my brother told me, "Don't sleep with anyone with more problems than you." So as long as you're BOTH married to baggage, you're probably A-OK. Of course, I'm not really sure whether to believe that saying or not...

Maureen said...

Oooh, yes, you ARE a great role-model....

I never knew anyone who used coke. Dope was the strongest thing in our neck of the woods back in the 70's.... thank goodness.

Lara said...

How nice of you to help all those google searchers out. I'm sure Martin will thank you as well.

It's kind of sad how some of the BEST music has pretty undesirable lyrics, eh? :)

baristagirl said...

Hey Jill- How did you know my ex husband? Lol. You hit the nail on the "coke head."

Jill said...

Maureen - You might be surprised. There's been people I've known for a good, long time before they were up for letting me know ALL of their hobbies...

Lara - Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Kendra - What a surprise! So your divorce went through I guess? I hope it was good riddance & that you're doing well. Haven't talked to you in awhile!

DJ Kirkby said...

you are too funny!

EquineSpirit said...

LOL! LOVE this entry. I've never known a cokehead...heck...nobody who did drugs for that matter...or at least never knew if someone did if I did know them...LOL!

disa said...

i can see the attraction. cokeheads are skinny, look undernourished. hell, they are such a project to take on and just put in a couple of hours in the kitchen making them hearty meals to fatten them up with...

Ingrid said...

I really dont have a problem dating with cokeheads, but only if they like to do a TON of coke and then go fix stuff. "That's right baby, Mamma's got some candy. Now go install that closet organizer. Now."

The angry, sweaty ones that end up looking like Meatloaf? Nah.

Roger said...

Hahahah Jill your so funny!

Jill said...

Thanks DJ Kirkby, Sabrina & Roger!

Disa...I dunno...I'm trying to think whether any of the cokeheads I've known have been particularly skinny...

Funny on the first part Ingrid & ICK on the second!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tor Flanders said...

what about dating an EX-cokehead? Would you say we still fall into that category?

Aleina said...

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