Online (Up)dating | Do Try This at Home: Online (Up)dating

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Online (Up)dating

Since finding out that I can occasionally sort of tell how people find this blog, I've been fascinated with how they make their way here. Lately the majority of the google searches are for dating information. I only have three words for you people:
Don't try it!!!!!!!
Dating is bound to end in either crying or marriage, and if divorce statistics are to be believed, marriage also ends in crying a great deal of the time. I'm kidding! But only partially so.

I happen to know exactly what I don't want from dating, and not actually a whole lot about what I do want:
  • I don't want to ending up doing some guy's laundry or washing his dishes after dating for however long that entails.
  • I don't want some guy telling me that (having already adequately fed my children) I can't spend my last $15 on a CD instead of food.
  • I don't want anyone telling me that I can't go to Lola's, although I'd be okay with a guy telling me it was out of bounds to kiss a bald Spaniard while I was there.
I'm kidding! But only because Etro is actually a more popular hang out for bald Spaniards.

That said, I've already learned this much about online dating: It's every bit as absurd as the rest of life. For instance, the site I signed up for has an option for sending a "flirt." I believe these "flirts" offer a selection of canned phrases, all of which roughly translate to:
"Hey! I'm interested in your profile, but not interested enough to compose my own sentence!"
They should really nix the canned flirts in favor of canned rejection. I need one that says:
"I didn't read your message yet, but I'll get back with you the next time I get a wild hair and think a bunch of potential rejection and crying would be right up my alley."

or even
"Thank you so much, but I have a date to go hear Hayes Carll, and Porterdavis isn't until next month."

Since they don't actually offer an anti-flirt though, I'm sort of just living with the guilt of a bunch of unread messages. What was I thinking? I can barely keep up with the emails from people I actually know.

I did manage to give my phone number to two guys. One of them was pretty obvious. Out of the messages I managed to read, he was the only guy who actually came up with a song about a chicken. Besides, he had a music reference in his very first sentence and books in his picture background, so how could I not?

I gave my phone number to one other guy, because he's a member of an outdoor club, and that sounded interesting. But when he called he told me that he was selling his jukebox! I can't date a guy who would hang onto all kinds of who knows what, yet sell a perfectly operable jukebox! I mean, technically I COULD, but it sounds like guaranteed misery. No pun intended. Or pun intended. Either way.

Besides, he told ME to call HIM! I don't do that. He apparently neglected to notice that I specifically requested borderline stalking behavior from a guy who enjoys songs about chickens (or whiskey)!

Meanwhile, if you're up for actual dating advice, I think you'll have to look elsewhere. Since I'm also getting a fair amount of searches for the word "naked" these days, let me just say that I'm afraid I won't be much help on that front either. I CAN, however, put you in touch with a guy who sells motorized ride on beer coolers.

21 comments:

jillconyers said...

Your post is hilarious! Love your way with words.

delmer said...

I get visitors to my site looking for dating tips as well. Like you, most of my tips were reduced to one, big, tip:

don't

Which I think would make a fine kitchen magnet. That way each time you went to reach for the milk or a juice box, you'd be reminded.

(Very funny post, btw.)

CircesMagic said...

What's the saying "you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince" I kissed a few before finding my husband, don't give up, just weed through the frogs/weirdos/wannabemymommyfortheeveing type guys! You will find him...good luck!

Derek Wong said...

I always enjoy seeing how people arrive at my site, but the way that people get to yours seems MUCH more interesting!

Good job on being in Google for those super search terms. :)

So if you're not going to do the online dating thing, what's next?

Teresa Loop said...

Your posts are hilarious. I wish you the best of luck in that scary scary dating world out there....

Jeff said...

Ugh, dating. It's such a freaking drag. As for search terms, the one's I get are scary...and funny.

DJ Kirkby said...

Did I tell you Chopper and I met through on line dating? I accused him of being married because he didn't have a profile pic!

Ms. Q said...

hahaha! Very funny!

As a fellow online dater, I'm laughing as well as crying! I only have so much "dating energy" and in the past couple of years have had what I called my "Find a Boyfriend Summer Project"

I took a couple-year dating hiatus and it certainly was a relief not to have dating take up so much space in my head.

BUT then I realized that while it was good to take a break, after a while, I was AVOIDING dating. Oooch. I am not much for not facing my fears. Sooner or later, they bubble up.

My online dating system has canned rejections as well as canned "flirts".

Some canned rejections are something like:

"Sorry, you're outside of my age range." I use this one a lot. Recently used it on a 77-year old who gave me TMI about his vasectomy (done when I was about 4 years old!) and his high uh, drive.

"Sorry. I don't think we're a good match."

There are also some canned rejection acceptances:

"Sorry to learn we're not a good match but thanks for responding.."

When it comes to the flirts, in my system they are free - you don't have to have a subscription or use points.

When someone actually spends the time to write something, I try to respond in the same manner. Unfortunately, if I am not a subscriber, all I can do is send the canned rejection. In one case, the guy sounded like a match so I signed up!

I don't look at dating as just a bunch of Crying Potential. I haven't really met anyone to cry over, which is a...crying shame!

Onto the google search thing - lately I have had a lot of people finding their way to my site and they all don't know how to spell! I wrote a post about "musterbation" and hooo-boy, the search strings! "How to look older" is another favorite. I am sure they are not finding what they were looking for!

Ms. Q said...

delmer: you get visitors to your site looking for dating tips? I must not be reading the right posts as I haven't come across anything about dating as yet. 'Course I just started reading your blog...

People in the Sun said...

Interesting. I actually found this blog by Googling "Naked chicken." I was very disappointed.

disa said...

a friend did online dating adn it turns out that she got a response from a coworker on the second floor! when he figured out who she was he quickly deleted his profile! aah, small communities...

Saradevil said...

A song about chickens?

Who said romance is dead?

Bastet said...

Are the "flirts" automated, like "do you have a quarter 'cause I have to call my (mom/dad) and tell them I met the (guy/girl) of my dreams?"

I'd be interested in some of the worst pick-up lines you've received...online.

Maureen said...

Ugh... dating. Haven't been on a date since 1980... and that was with my now-husband.

Actually, I think he was the only one I dated.

How sad and boring am I????

Jill said...

Thanks Jill, Delmer, Teresa, Circesmagic! Delmer - Yeah, I guess I could have cut down from three words to one!

Derek - Oh noooooooooooo!!!! I'm totally going to do online dating. I think. I mean, I still need a date for Porterdavis, after all. :-) :-)

Jeff - I hope you do one with search terms. I always love reading when people do those. :-) :-) :-)

DJ - I think I do remember you guys met that way! You were brave!

Ms.Q - "I haven't really met anyone to cry over, which is a...crying shame!" You should definitely try dating more men who have been incarcerated for...oh never mind...
:-) :-) :-)

People - I knew there was a reason I love you all to crazies or tagged you for an inspirational blogger or something...
:-) :-) :-)

Disa - I actually already knew two out of the first three people that contacted me! I don't care WHAT Disney says, I ***IS*** a small world! :-)

Sara - You just don't KNOW romance until...yeah...anyway...

Bastet - I'm afraid I didn't read enough of the messages to get any really bad pick up lines & haven't investigated the flirts very thoroughly. A guy with a monkey on his head in his profile pic did tell me that freaks on the dating site were few & far between. I don't believe him though, 'cause hey...I'm on there after all! :-) :-) :-)

Jill said...

Maureen - I'm thinking maybe you could exchange sad and boring for incredibly romantic if you just added in a part about why you didn't need to look anymore... :-)

the frogster said...

My top searches for October so far are "Miss Pacman," "Pickles," "David Beckham" and "Best power ballads of all time."

I love looking at that stuff. And, I must say, I can, in fact, tell you a fair amount about pickles, but not, I'm afraid, how to date them.

Roger said...

Hope you are having a good weekend Jill!!!

kim said...

Very funny! You never know when Mr Right will come along ... but dont take tips from me Im on the 4th husband bahhahaha :)

Jill said...

Frogster - Man! And I was counting on you for pickle dating lessons...now I don't know *where* to turn! :-0 :-0 :-0

Roger - THANKS!!!!!

Kim - You're KIDDING right?!?!?!?!? I can't imagine!!!! One was enough - Sheesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kerry said...

Love this post!
(I'm obsessed with finding out how people find my blog too, lol!)

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